Cacoethes
by Face The Stars
Summary: Kaidou Suzu lives her life as a girl with a head of delusions and a certain type of fearful hope. Fem!Kaidou Schizophrenic!Kaidou
1. Catalyst

When Kaidou Suzu was four years old, she saw her father hit her mother for the first time.

It was the middle of November, she had been silently coloring in the dark scribbles that were her drawings in her dimly-lit room. The poorly-sealed window letting in drafts of cold air that nipped at her arms, making her clutch the thin blanket draped around her even tighter. The small nubs of her worn-down crayons were held stiffly by frozen fingers, making her lines messier.

But it had been drilled into her that they didn't have the money to afford new crayons or thicker blankets or sealed insulation. Her mother always spent time sewing patches into year-old clothes, hoping that the color difference was minimal enough that nobody would notice.

Most of the time, Suzu spent her days alone in the shabby house. Her father was gone most of the day(and most of the night, and when he got home she always heard hushed arguments and slamming doors), and her mother sewed stuffed animals and collected old newspaper coupons and would try to sell them every Wednesday. Sometimes, she would disappear for days at a time, and all Suzu would wake up to was a note on the counter that she couldn't read, next to a bowl of cold food. On luckier days, she would be allowed to lay on her mother's lap as she worked, dozing off to daydreams as she hummed a soft melody. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, after she's been startled awake by shouting and the loud thuds of items hitting the floor, her mother would come into her room and delicately curl up next to her. Kissing the top of her head while she pretended to sleep.

Suzu used to be less lonely. In a time before, her mother used to take her to one of their neighbor's house when she was busy. Her small hand clutched by a slack grip as she looked around her environment curiously, headed on a road she had began to see as familiar, to the home of a nice young woman, newly out of high school, that lived nearby. That was a time when her mother was still cheery and pointed out different sights to her and let her pick one of the small blue flowers that pushed their heads out from the cracks in the sidewalk. That was when there was someone who would read books to her while her mother was busy, and let her play with the two types of children's toys they had.

"You're such a smart little girl!" Her temporary caretaker would coo as Suzu watched her intently show off a picture book. She didn't understand a word, but she liked listening to the syllables wash over her ears and stare at pictures of things she had never seen before. The relaxed form of her babysitter, the reassuring smile, and the crinkle of her eyes made Suzu try to tilt her lips up in a wobbly imitation.

But that was a year or so ago. Before the nice lady that smelled like vanilla and felt like someone infinitely important moved out of the run-down neighborhood with a wave and a gentle hug, leaving only a small, warm teddy bear as a reminder of her presence.

Maybe even back then, Suzu started to understand loss and love. But all she can do now is stare into the stitched eyes of the bear and clutch it to her chest, wishing that the warm would be enough, and trying not to long for a time when she had more freedom.

In the summers, at least she could run around in the yard outside. Cloud gaze and watch the occasional butterfly and pull weeds from the overgrown grass. But in the winter, she was confined to the relative safety of the house. There was nothing else to do, then, other than tuck herself into corners when she got sick of her room, and wishing that the weather was warmer.

That certain night, she was drawn by the screaming. Bored and innocently lured by the commotion in the usual curiosity of children, Suzu shuffled out of her room and stood near the kitchen entrance, listening to the shrieks and howls of her arguing parents. When she dared to look peek in, she witnessed her mother smashing one of the few glass cups they owned on the floor, and then her father's hand, raised in anger.

And that was when she meekly closed her eyes and ran back to her room, closing the door with a soft creak and curling up in the corner of her closet as she tried to drown out the frenzied crashes and choke back the rising horror in her lungs.  
It was the first time she felt fear towards her father. The one she never sees.

When Kaidou Suzu was five years old, she and her mother lived in a small apartment on the east side of a different city.

She remembers how one day her mother simply threw all of her belongings in a bag(her pillow, her blanket, her small collection of art that she had used the last bits of her coloring materials on) and took her hand to lead her away.

For the first time in a while, nervously clutching her bear to her chest, Suzu went outside the broken, wooden gates of her home, the ones that had always served as a sort of invisible barrier from her and the outside world.

They arrived at a shady-looking apartment complex after walking for almost three hours. Slumping onto the ground, Suzu pulled tiredly at her shoes(that were worn and a little too tight and dug into her heels and pinched the sides of her feet) as her mom unlocking the rusted doorknob of an off-color door, pushing it in to reveal an empty room. Prompted to go in first, Suzu stepped forward and instantly felt the old tatami that had been left crumple under her soft step. The musty smell of rot and mold hit her nose, and she whimpered, backing up to clutch the fabric of her mother's skirt.

Along the top of the wall crept something dark, and other stains decorated the wall.

That night, she slept on the floor, tucked into a familiar warmth and watching as shadows danced in the dark, and wondering if this is what it felt like to lay in a grave.

It wasn't until the third day that she realized this was her new reality. Her new home.

She was suffocating.

Every morning her mother left before she woke up and every night she came back late into the night, weary and dark-eyed. She was gone all week, struggling to make a living as a single mother without a college degree. Suzu spent her days lonely at home, but that wasn't anything new. What was new was the even more cramped space. The fact that her mom locked her in with a store-bought sandwich for the day, and told her not to go outside. The fact she could only peer at the sun through a window and bask in it's warm light surrounded by the overwhelming heat of no air conditioning and old, old bamboo mats. That her only excitement was the twittering of birds at dawn, birds she watched flit and twirl with a hidden envy. Occasionally, some landed on the trees a distance away.

After about three weeks, her mom finally managed to buy a futon, so they didn't have to roll around on the tatami maps, which were just as hard as the floor and would leave Suzu with all sorts of aches in the morning.

It was at this time, laying upside down on the thin bedroll, getting familiar with the smothering room and staring out at the aloof blue skies, Suzu had her first imaginary friend.

His name was Kosai, a fat tree sparrow with shiny button eyes that accompanied her throughout the day. They played hide and seek, tag, made shapes out of the clouds, drew imaginary shapes into the floor(and later, on used newspapers when her mom bought her a new set of crayons), and put on tiny skits for an audience that wasn't there.

Suzu immersed herself in her own world, found a way to cope with the emptiness. To comfort herself.  
Without realizing, she found herself rocking gently every time she sat down, like how her mother used to do only a year ago.

When Kaidou Suzu was six, she was sent to first grade. The kids were energetic and bright and loud, and their intensity scared her. Cooped up all day in her tiny apartment with nothing but the silence and the sounds of birds for company, the bustling children overwhelmed her.

The first day of first grade, Suzu cried for her mother. But when her mother came and Suzu turned to her with teary eyes, expecting comfort, she was faced with a grim face frown and hauled away by her arm to the outside of the school where she was slapped. As she held her burning cheek with betrayed eyes, the woman she called her mother screamed at her with wild eyes and an erratic tenseness that made Suzu flinch at her every movement.  
An hour later, Suzu returned to her classroom with dull eyes and a fading red on her face and a deep sense of aching.

She never called for her mother again.

When Kaidou Suzu was eight years old, zero friends and counting, she cried herself to sleep every night and drew more within herself everyday. Children were cruel and judgemental and ridiculed anyone that wasn't like them, anyone that didn't meet their standard. They looked at her second-hand clothes with confused disdain, and stared at her tousled hair. Her awkwardness for talking to others never wore off. She could never relate to their tales of big birthday parties or spending time with older siblings, and they gave her strange looks when she tried to tell stories of how she used to play with Kosai.  
But he was gone now. And she was alone.  
And the children whispered behind their hands.

When Kaidou Suzu was ten years old, she was a ghost. A flimsy presence in the corner of the room, with light blue hair that fell to her shoulders, messy and uneven at where she tried to cut it herself. No one had ever heard her talk. No one had ever seen her smile.  
They wrote her off as being shy and ignored her at best. They forgot that they were the ones who had isolated her in the first place.

There were still times when she passed by people in the halls, and then would do a double take. Those that were used to her appearance tried not to look at her. She knew that even then, even as a kid, the line between her and them was being drawn.

When Suzu returned to her bigger, newer apartment, she tugged off her shoes and shut herself into her pristine white room. Out of the corner of her eye, she swore she saw something on her bed, but when she turned around, nothing was there. Another mistake of the light.  
Sighing, she got out her homework and set to work, ignoring the soft whispers that seemed to call her name.

The floorboards outside her bedroom door creak, and she feel a bead of sweat start to form on her brow. It's just the house, she told herself. It's the pipes groaning as they usually do.  
But the tenseness never goes away. And she lays wide awake at night, starting at every shadow in her room and seeing monsters in the dark.

When Kaidou Suzu was twelve years old, she started to hear the voices. Not just ones she thought were saying random words, ones that could be passed off as the wind. These spoke in her mind, jumbled sentences and garbled instructions. One was a bit higher pitched, and it warbled in meaningless poems. It urged her, commanded her, to write down it's songs of wonderland. When she woke up in the morning, it picked at her skin, her hair, her eyes and told her to wear tape as socks. The other one, if there were even two-for all she knew every word was a difference source-had a voice like an old man going through puberty. Scratchy and fluctuating. It advised her answers to math questions that weren't even numbers, told her to pin used water bottles on her wall-it really liked the smell of burning pinecones.

They weren't unwelcome. They told her things, and she told them things. Someone who talked with her without judging. She could tell them anything and they wouldn't care.

Slowly, she fell into the ocean.

When Kaidou Suzu was thirteen, she couldn't stand sudden light. It made her vision blank out and burned into her eyes. Nowadays, she reacted badly to smells. If the kid next to her just had gym class and didn't shower good enough, the tiny scent would creep up into her brain and twist. She got nauseous easily, her head would spin. In the extremely rare chances that someone brushed against her, the feeling made her want to puke. The world would slowly dip into different colors and that sense of motion sickness fell over her. She never interacted with anyone anymore, even more than before. If anyone got close, she instantly moved away.  
The noises got more annoying. The voices. Everywhere she went, even if it was the girl's bathroom and no one was around, she would hear them. Knocking, tapping, thing calling her name. Nowadays, she can't differentiate from whether the noises came from her mind or real life. And she stopped trying.

In her classes, she had trouble paying attention. When the teacher was teaching, the information seemed to go into her ears and hit a blockade before falling apart onto her desk. She physically saw the mixed jumble of words piling up on the smooth surface of her desk, but no matter how many times she tried to brush them off, they never left. She felt like there was something wrong with her. Her brain. It never seemed to retain information correctly.  
On the walls, cockroaches would crawl, appearing from nowhere and everywhere. Sometimes she would see worms flying in front of her, or her eraser biting off her fingers.

Faces distort right in front of her eyes. She can't remember what her face looked like. The same song repeats nonstop in her mind, a song she's never heard before.

She doesn't notice the strange looks people start giving to her.

When Kaidou Suzu was fourteen, someone caught her talking to thin air and told a teacher. She screamed when the nurse tried to touch her, screamed when she was strapped into the emergency bed, and passed out at the sudden assault of disinfectant, hospital lights, the touch of the staff, and the screeching of the siren.

That day, while tied up in a straight jacket and shrieking at the doctor who looked more like a giant glass of melted wax than a person, Kaidou Suzu was diagnosed with schizophrenia.

(If anyone had watched Suzu long enough, they would've notice her nervous, shifting eyes. The constant tenseness in her shoulders as if afraid someone would jump out at her. The refusal to eat things she hadn't watched been made. She couldn't, didn't, hide the way she rarely responded to people, unsure if it was another delusion or reality, the times she would stare at the ceiling for long periods of time, movingly. But no one had paid attention. No one had noticed way she would smile one second and then have a look of fury the next. No one questioned her constant confusion, her state of being that seemed to float between planes of existence, her flighty, sporadic, unnatural gestures, the things she mumbled to herself that made no sense, the constantly feeling that something was not right, even to herself. Because no one bothered to care. No one bothered to look at the person they had already distinguished as separate from themselves.)

When Kaidou Suzu was fifteen, her newly rich mother moved them to a big house in another part of Japan, having become wealthy after all her hard work. She had thought that a change of view would do Suzu better, and to escape the 'bad' memories that now haunted her.

Suzu herself tried weakly to manage a new life, all the while thousands of pills coursed through her bloodstream. The voices, which had become quite demanding in the past few years, were stifled. Sometimes, she could still hear a tap on her window at night, or see a sneak of a creature sitting on her lamp, and the feeling of constantly being watched only dimmed, but she was getting better. Slowly.

For a year, she stayed at home. Her mother started to pile tutors upon her, in hopes of making up for the fifteen years in which Suzu didn't learn. Not only in maths and arts, but also in manners and speech and the weight of the expectations society will place upon her. She went to prep school, studied more than nine hours a day, and drowned herself in work.

At the age of sixteen, Suzu finally re-entered school, high school, with a paranoia of other people and memories of nightmares that lurked right beneath her conscience. She stood quietly as she was introduced as the new student, managed a small smile, and tried to ignore the pounding in her head from her medications. She went through the day politely(and normally ), and tried her best to focus on her studies, all the while pretending that there weren't people surrounding her on all sides. All interaction she gently deflected, and she tried not to stare at that single wispy cockroach right near her head, and ignored the gentle tapping on the window of the third floor, where no one would've been able to reach.

When Suzu got home, she threw herself on her bed and cried.

Then she did her homework.

It was about a month or so after she started going to school, Suzu settled down. Her life tumbled into a schedule, her surroundings new and her home filled with therapeutic smells. Every week she would go and see her psychiatrist, and Suzu felt lighter.

Her delusions never really went away, and she still had an unnatural fear that people might, just might, be reading her mind using mind control or try to poison her, but she could now recognize her own symptoms. The medication definitely took an edge off of the thoughts she has, the ones that make people inch away, and noises in the dark didn't keep her up all night anymore. But she had also taken to wrapping bandages, stark white and clean, around her wrists every morning. The pressure helped keep her grounded, and she could distract herself by idly scratching at them instead of her own skin. They served as a nice reminder, that she was still healing, and that maybe one day she wouldn't need to use supplies to make sure she was still sane.  
She felt…freed. Just ever so slightly in control of her life. Able to make her own decisions, to judge what is real or not.

At her usual session, Ms. Metaru, her psychiatrist, noted her improvement.

"Yes, Kaidou-chan, you're doing very good. I think it's time we take it a step further."

A gentle reassuring smile.

"Why don't you try making some friends?"

Suzu felt her own smile crack.

* * *

 _Note: I decided to post this on both archiveofourown and . I'm not sure if that violates any policies, but if it does, then I'll most likely remove the fanfiction version, so you'll be able to find it on archive._

 _\+ I'm not a professional, nor am I really familiar with schizophrenia, but I tried my best though I tweaked some aspects to make the story actually able to progress. Mental diseases are serious, and I don't mean to offend anyone if I did. Otherwise, I hope you enjoyed! It was a fic from a year or two ago that I dug up and brushed off and decided to post._


	2. Summer Storms

PK Academy really wasn't so bad. Maybe it was the difference in grade levels, or that there were enough interesting characters in class to distract attention from her anyway, but she found herself slotting neatly-albeit slightly awkwardly-into place.

In her class, there was a girl named Teruhashi Kokomi. She was, what Suzu perceived to be based on the reactions of everyone around her, beautiful. Her smile threw flowers and she glowed golden bright-and Kaidou had to rub her eyes several times to make sure that she wasn't the only one that saw those sparkles because that would be a new one.

The first day she entered class, Teruhashi introduced herself at lunch, cheerfully, with a group of other girls around her that also pipped in hellos.

"If you need any help, Kaidou-kun, I'll be glad to help!"

It was a nice gesture, and Suzu felt her heart fill with a slight bit of affection at someone taking the time and effort to offer their help. But despite her friendliness and the fact that the blue-haired girl would greet her in the morning, to which she managed a small wave and a timid hello, the amount of people that always gather around the 'goddess' of the school made Suzu's palms clammy and her legs tremor and her head slightly dizzy.

So, despite a slight longing to be Teruhashi's friend, Kaidou gently detached herself from most situations regarding her, and turned down most offers to join groups for outside activities such as karaoke or shopping.

Kaidou found herself daydreaming of a day she would be able to accept.

It was disappointing, but in a way, she was also uncertain if she was ready yet for what seemed like a complex battlefield.

The student rep also would make conversation with her, Hairo Kineshi, but his zeal tired her out as quickly as an entire day of school.

Thus, she supposes she established that old tradition of quiet and alone- but this time it was almost entirely by choice, without the feeling of being ejected. For that, she was eternally grateful.

As she started to become more comfortable in the cold clutches of society, Suzu forcefully pulled herself out of her shell and started to tentatively focus on other things than school. Actions she found confusing, behaviors she had to go beyond her textbooks to know. Humor, conversation, presents, social standards and norms. Why some people were perceived as attractive, and other things that had never really occurred to Suzu before.

It had always been emptiness and the creatures and her.

And the void did nothing but suck her out from the inside.

Kaidou tries to get to know her classmates. There's Teruhashi, of course, Hairo Kineshi, Nendou who was considered fearful, and she could identify who was in her class even if she couldn't remember their names.

Oh, and there was that pink-haired boy. Named Saiki, if she remembers correctly.

She only recognizes him because she saw him once outside of school, staring at the pudding section while she stared at him. That day she had been picking up some groceries for her mother, wanting to familiarize herself with the town, when she ended up looking down the row of snack foods and watching in fascination as one of her classmates stacked 21 cups of coffee jellos in his shopping basket.

It really wasn't that interesting, but Kaidou found herself staring at the back of his head more often, tracing the outline of his hair clips and comparing the color of his hair(she's only seen pink a few times in her life) to the colors she used to see in her delusions.

She could almost hear Gasu's voice again, advising her on the exact color of bleached caterpillar guts.

She sighed. As she usually did. And closed her eyes tiredly.

In a brief moment of sanity, she wondered why she was still alive.

XXX

It was raining.

The clouds gathered thickly like fumes of smoke, and thunder rolled like a heavy stick across the surface of a tense drum. The rain smashed into the concrete and she could swear she hear the sounds of breaking glass with every pitter.

Kaidou Suzu stood stock still at the side of the door, staring off blankly into the dark downpour. It was hard to see even a meter in front of her because of the heavy rain, and the occasional white streaks that slashed against the pitch black made her restless waiting for the terrible crashing thunder.

She didn't have an umbrella.

She was an idiot.

And no way in hell she was going to go out in that weather.

Kaidou shakily sat down, wrapping her arms around her weak legs as she brought them closer to herself and inched backwards a little to avoid the few drops that managed to bypass the overhang of the school.

Everyone had already left, she was sure. It just had to be this day she stayed behind a little so she could help a teacher move some papers.

She wished she had been fast enough to maybe ask Teruhashi if they could share an umbrella, or maybe even Hairo, or really anyone. The chill of the hard stone floor was starting to draw the heat out of her body and the atmosphere of the rain put her nerves on edge.

All alone.

In the dark.

With sporadic thunder that she swore shook the very core of the earth.

She shivered violently, and tried to resist the bad habit her mother told her not to do. No rocking, no biting. Burying her head in her skirt, Kaidou tried to stop them. The sounds. The images. The memories.

Slowly crumbling into herself and giving into the fear.

She would give anything to be home, with all the lights turned on to illuminate every corner, and baking pre-rolled cookie dough while waiting for her mother to get home.

Grasping onto that hope, she tried to pull herself out of the deep ditch she had dug.

The sky split apart.

She fell.

Into the thoughts she tried to repress. Into the worst and the dark and the fear and the hate and all the times she wanted to stop, stop, stop.

She sobbed on the bathroom floor, cold water splashing onto her thighs, echoing wails across frigid tiles.

She screamed inside her head, where no one could hear.

The sound of a resonating voice snapped her head up so fast she almost got whiplash, and she looked up to see Saiki, with his bright pink hair and montone face and astute inconspicuousness-holding his umbrella(it was blue. Baby blue. A mild, comforting color like morning glories at dawn, dew reflecting morning light, breath of fresh air-) looking back down at her.

It took her a moment to dig up what he had said amongst the jumbled mess of her mind, turning over the words over and over until she could recognize them again.

An offer.

Trembling, she gingerly got up, her legs feeling like jello.

She wobbled for a little, eyes blurry and spinning. She felt sick.

"Thanks."

Her voice was scratchy and unsteady and shook unevenly, but it tore itself from her throat like a prayer.

He made no comment.

When she let him walk her home, she found that the heat of another body within a few inches of hers, replacing the neverending chill, a reminder of reality, made her want to cry in relief. And when she looked after the disappearing back of Saiki Kusou, finally standing in the safety of her own home, she felt the last bit of her distress wash away.

* * *

Well, if she was going to be friends with someone, she decided, it would have to be him first, right?

Suzu lay in her bed, gazing at the ceiling. The moonlight from the window cast a mellow glow across the flat surface through her flimsy curtains.

A friend...an actual friend. Someone that wasn't made up. Someone that was real.

A friend...is someone that you got along with, right? Someone that's nice, and you enjoy spending time with them, and your interests also coincide.

Like with most of her classmates, Suzu hadn't gotten the chance to really know anyone yet, so she rifled through her memories for mementos.

Saiki was always alone, she noticed,in all the frames of her days. He sometimes hangs out with Nendo, who has scary eyes and is loud and often berated, but for the most part keeps to himself. She knows he's quiet and good at reading Japanese poetry when the teacher calls on him, but that's about it.

What else…

Oh!

A plan starts to formulate in her mind, and she's almost too excited to fall asleep. For the first time in a while, she has a goal that she wants to accomplish.

After all, it was common courtesy to thank someone if they helped you, right?

The next morning, Suzu wakes up early. She eats breakfast quickly and slips on her shoes with a new bout of energy and runs down the street of her neighborhood, mapping the familiar direction intently. A little off-way to school was a grocery store, the one that sells what she needs. The sliding doors let out an electronic beep as she passes through, the air conditioning soothingly cool, and she scrolls through the refrigerated aisle until her eyes finally picked out the familiar dark of coffee pudding.

She grabs one from the tower, looking it over in her hand. She's never had one, but Saiki liked these, didn't he? Why else would he have bought so many that one time?

Bringing it to the register, she checks out and happily tucks it into her school bag.

She makes it past the gate on her usual time, changes slippers, and walks up to class. She steps through the door.

Some of her classmates are already there, sitting in their usual groups and talking. She spots Saiki sitting in his usual seat.

Ok. This is it.

She walks over to him, quivering with each step until she stands before him. C-Calm down. Just...say thanks.

"G-Good morning! Thank you for walking me home yesterday, Saiki-san…" Her voice was quiet, and she could hear the timid wobbling in it. She kind of wants to cry but she holds it back as best as she can.

Unzipping her school bag, Suzu reaches in and takes out the still-cold pudding. "I...I got this for you, as a thank-you gift…"

He stared at it, and for a brief moment she felt a flash of fear. Did...he not like it? But then he takes it from her hand, giving her a small smile. "It was no problem, Kaidou-san. Thank you for the pudding."

He peels the wrapper off, and she knows she should probably go now, but he eats it with such speed, face happier than she's ever seen, that she can't look away.

He really liked pudding, huh?

Well, that was good! Maybe she was finally on her way to making a friend too.

She smiles too, and goes to sit at her own seat, accomplishment and hope both equally full bouquets in her chest.

XXX

Kaidou Suzu had a problem.

She gravitated towards Saiki Kusou.

They didn't talk a lot, but if she saw him while walking to school in the morning, she would catch up and say good morning, and to her elation, he would say it back. He eats lunch with Nendou, and sometimes she wants to join them because she sits by herself. Other groups are usually full of already established friendships(she can tell by their interaction, and she's so so scared she won't fit in), but the relative silence of Saiki and Nendou are irresistibly alluring to her.

Maybe one day she would be good enough friends to sit with them.

Some days, if she was quick enough, she would also be able to catch him leaving as well. He wouldn't say much as she fell in step with him, but that was okay. She didn't think she would have anything to say either. Pleasant talk for the sake of filling space isn't really her forte nor her hobby. Instead, she finds a solemn comfort in the silence as they walk.

It was enough that she didn't have to run through tiring conversations, but also having someone she considered likeable by her(radiating safety and strength and protection-) made for the perfect evenings.

Maybe it was just because of her lack of interaction with others, or maybe it was because of her lack of friends, but she couldn't help but want to stick near him.

She felt happier these days too. This was what having a friend was like, right? Walking with them to school? Saying good morning?

When she was around him, she felt the fog at the edges of her brain lift away, even if it was just for the time being.

XXX

She's idly doodling in her notebook one morning when she overhears the other students discussing something in worried voices. She doesn't mean to eavesdrop, but it was an open conversation and the topic prickled her interest.

A snake? Do they usually come around?

She had never seen one in person, as she never went to the zoo as a kid. She should add that to her list of things to do, go to a zoo.

Her pencil curves into waves, and she's shading in the serpentine figure when one of the guys behind her scream.

Looking over, she sees them scrambling to get on desks, shouting about the object of her absent minded daydreaming. Her eyes caught something green twisting on the floor.

Suzu was torn between being intrigued and uneasy.

The creature moved in such an unnatural way. It didn't have legs, but rather seemed to drag itself across the ground. It's thin pink tongue would flick out sometimes, tasting the air quickly .

Perhaps it would scare her more if she hadn't already experienced thousands of living nightmares. Compared to them, it was…kind of cute?

Suzu sat on top of her desk and watched it solemnly. Nendou tried to catch it, but it bit onto his pants and he quickly passed out.

Although she was worried about him, Suzu felt a tiny curl of amusement. That in itself surprised her.

It was rare for her, but she's been much happier lately. It could be that things were starting to look up.

The snake moves by her, curling up by her desk. She looks at it curiously.

It raises its head up, small tongue fluttering out of its mouth, and she's entranced by the action.

Then, without a warning, it strikes at her. Mouth wide and bearing deadly fangs, and Suzu flinches back, expecting to feel pain, but it burns half-way to her.

It just…

Burns.

She stares as the charred body of the snake crumples on the floor blanky. There's a moment of disbelief, and then the entire class erupts into noise.

"Oi Kaidou what was that?"

"The snake burned?"

"Kaidou, did you light it on fire?"

"Kaidou what did you do?"

"Maybe it was spontaneous combustion?"

"Can that even happen in snakes?"

"What's spontaneous combustion?"

"I'm just glad it's dead."

Suzu shook her head mutely, and sat back down in her chair. That was weird, but maybe it was spontaneous combustion? She doesn't know what happened, but at least it was a delusion. It couldn't have been if everyone else saw it too.

Shakily closing her notebook, Suzu watches the commotion as Hairo volunteers to take the snake out and her classmates flood their homeroom teacher with the story when he comes in.

Out of the corner of her eye, she notices Saiki slipping back into the room.

XXX

Getting familiar with Saiki also meant, in a way, getting to know Nendou. Although initially intimidated by the intenseness in his gaze, she realized that he was nothing to fear after she caught up to the two walking after school one day.

"Eh? Who are you?" He had asked, gazing at her blanky. She trembled a little.

Ok Suzu...time to make another friend...hopefully.

"K-Kaidou Suzu…"

His eyes light in recognition, and she lets a small smile develop on her lips.

"Oh! You're that transfer student from the beginning of the year!"

She nods in affirmation, keeping pace as they walked.

He turns to Saiki, "Hey pal! The transfer student is walking with us."

"Yes. She usually walks this way."

"Ah...Nice to meet you, Kaidou-kun."

"You too, Nendo-san!"

She was left in a haze of joy at making another friend, content to walk home with the two boys as Nendo kept the conversation alive.

The next day, he offered for her to sit by them. Wanting to weep in her delight, Suzu dragged a chair over to the solitary duo and enjoyed her lunch more than ever with the ramblings of Nendou and occasional answers from Saiki to keep her company.

The bright blue of the spring sky was exceptionally lovely.

XXX

Someone had stuck gum to her hair, the wet pink obvious against her pale blue strands. Nendo had pointed it out.

She really didn't want to touch it, so she went over to the trashcan and snipped it off. Sadly, she grasped at the short strand, now different from the rest of her shoulder-length hair that, luckily, was much neater than how she used to have it. Although there was a slight disorder, and now, some choppiness.

She sees a boy giggling behind his hand, turning to his friends who's eyes all slide from him to her.

XXX

"What are you to Saiki?"

Chiyo Yumehara corners her in the girl's changing room. Uncomfortable and surprised, Suzu holds the shirt she just took off in front of her chest defensively.

A sort of vicious fire flares in Chiyo's eyes.

"Saiki and I?" She mumbled, confused.

She thinks about it.

Well, at this stage, they would have to be friends right? She hoped they were, but maybe she shouldn't assume? She should ask him later, to make sure, but the fear of rejection is a constant sore.

"I think we're friends?" Suzu answers honestly, and Chiyo backs off with a suspicious look, followed by dejection.

A few days later, it's raining and Saiki's disappeared. She stands out in the courtyard, holding her own umbrella, and the sky suddenly clears.

Taking her hand out from the cover of her umbrella to check the sudden change of weather in puzzlement, she looks up at the sky.

"Oh! Saiki! Why are you on the roof?"

XXX

It's summertime, and Suzu is laying in her room, eating a cold popsicle. The television plays in the background, some summertime romance drama that she found interesting, though ads were currently running.

Her second term of school was already over. Everything seemed to go so fast.

But, she made some friends, and that was more than enough! Speaking of which, she quite missed them...it was a bit empty at home. Her mom was always working, and it was hard to find things to occupy her time with. Not to mention just missing the lack of presences.

Ding dong

Eh?

Ding dong

The door was ringing? She sat up, crunching down on the last remains of her melting sweet.

Dinggg dong. Ding dong.

"I'm coming!" She shouts, hurrying down the stairs as the bell gets more and more erratic. Yanking open the door, she blinks at the two people standing on her front steps.

"Nendo! Saiki!"

The former stops half way to pressing the doorbell again, and stands up straight. He's wearing a hawaiian open button up over his shirt, shorts, and a giant inflatable whale is tucked under his arm. Saiki wears the same, except it's a plain blue, and he holds a matching rolled-up towel with one arm and a large umbrella with the other.

"Hey pal! Wanna go to the beach with us?"

She feels a smile split her face at Nendo's invitation. They had actually thought of her?

"Yes!"

She invites them in as they wait for her, settling them down on the couch with some snacks before running up to her room.

Let's see...a swimsuit, right? The beach has water. She knows that.

She...she doesn't own any swimwear...because she can't swim...

"Ah…"

Disappointment rises in her. The first time she got to go to the beach, and she doesn't have swimwear. Sighing, she looks through her drawers. Maybe just a tank top and some shorts then? She reaches into her closet to pull them out.

She'll have to remind herself to go shopping for a swimsuit later then.

The shirt is a nice deep violet, and the shorts are white. They slip on neatly, and she adds a thin, transparent white jacket over it.

Grabbing a small purse, she tucks her wallet and her phone inside and slings it over her head, the dark strap settling on her shoulder comfortably. Lastly, she picks up a hairband and ties her hair up in a high ponytail.

Going down the stairs again, she peeks into the living room to see Saiki and Nendo still sitting there.

"I'm ready!"

As they get up, Suzu goes over to the shoe closet and takes out her flip flops. Sliding them on, she waits eagerly for her two friends, and they depart.

"I've never been to a beach before!" She muses happily. The bright sun, her friends, the prospect of a new experience-they all contributed to a skip in Suzu's step.

"Whaaat?" Nendo looks at her with disbelief, tilting his sunglasses up. "Well, you're about to have the time of your life!"

They quickly arrive, and she's surprised to see stalls lined up where the beach meets the asphalt. Taiyaki...smoothies...all sorts of snacks just begging to be devoured.

There are also outdoor showers to get rinsed off, and the beach is already crowded with people.

"Over here!" Nendo calls, and she sees that Saiki's already set up the blanket and the beach umbrella at a relatively unoccupied spot.

Smiling, she bounces over to them, dropping her purse by Saiki and kicking off her shoes.

Nendo's standing in the ocean with his swimsuit on, so she goes on ahead.

The sand is warm underneath her feet, the smooth grains pleasant to walk on. She goes to where the waves pull back from the shore, watching as they advance again and wash over her feet with a soothing cool.

She toes the surf, chasing after it as it recedes and then shouting in surprise when it crashes back with greater force.

A small laugh escapes her at this phenomena, and she proudly stands up to her knees in the surf, gazing back and Saiki and Nendo who were watching her with a sort of confused amusement.

"Well, are you gonna swim?" Nendo asks, and her smile drops a little. She looks at the ocean critically, and then wrinkles her nose.

"I can't swim…"

"Saiki?" He asks, turning to the aforementioned, who had a book out and looked to be in no mood to move.

"Just forget I'm here."

Nendo looked torn between being exasperated and disappointed. "Nobody's gonna swim?"

Suzu peers into the water again, and then sits down. And then shrieks as the water hits her skin.

She forgot that she wasn't wearing swimwear.

Trying to scramble up, she accidentally slips and lands backwards into the water. With a gasp of surprise, water floods into her mouth and she panics.

"I'm drowning!" She gargles in blind alarm, failing up, "I'm drown-"

There's a loud shout, and all of the sudden, strong arms scoop her up. Spitting out the salty water, Suzu tries to dry her face to she who's holding her.

"Hairo?"

Oh, well. That answers it.

He sits her down on the towel next to Saiki, and she grabs the edges of the blue to rub away the water on her face, trying to scrub the taste off her tongue.

"Thdank dou four sabing me." She mumbles through a mouthful of cotton fabric, downspirited.

"You're welcome Kaidou!" Hairo responds, shooting her a thumbs up.

It turns out he was volunteering as a lifeguard here, but he left to save someone else before any other conversation could be exchanged.

Nendo, back to his original dilemma now that he had two people that refused to get in the water again, flipped his shades on.

"Alright, then I'll go pick up chicks."

"Do you have any idea what you're saying?" Saiki says at the same time Suzu murmurs a

"Good luck."

"Thanks pal!"

"Don't encourage him."

As Nendo runs off on his quest, Kaidou took off her flimsy jacket and set it out to dry in the sun.

"I guess I'll go get some snacks. Do you want anything, Saiki?"

"If they have any pudding."

She smiled. She's been smiling a lot, recently.

"Ok."

She stands up, wallet in hand, and goes off to see what's being sold by the vendors. On the way, though, she's intercepted by a group of men.

"Hey there, you a highschool student?" One asks, and she backs away a little.

"Y-yes…?"

She can see their eyes trailing her form, and she feels heat start to gather in her face from the embarrassment.

She tries to step around the group, because that taiyaki is really calling her name, but they shift to stand in front of her again.

"Wanna have some fun with us?" A different guy asks, leering over, and she turns them down, hoping that would be the end of it.

But they grab her arm, and Suzu lets out a small "eep!" as they pull her towards them.

"C'mon, we promise it'll be fun…"

What? What's going on? Saiki? Nendou?

She dissolves into confusion, and then panic as the group drags her along.

Saiki?

All of the sudden, an electric eel hits one of the men, and he goes down with a series of shocks. The others are stunned, but before they could do anything, the one holding her freezes, his grip loosening and his eyes rolling into his head.

Protruding from his skull was a round sea-creature, still wet.

A pufferfish? It had been thrown like a shuriken, now embedded in the man's head. She wasn't sure if she should laugh or cry.

Wrenching her arm from his now-slack grasp, she runs back to the direction of the umbrella, only to see that Saiki wasn't there. Instead, Nendou was off in the distance, standing on water, carrying a woman and Haido.

What is going on?

By the time the dawn set on the beach, most occupants had already cleared out and Suzu had already pushed all thoughts of the incidents behind her. The three of them, Kaidou, Saiki, and Nendou were walking home, with the last retelling the story of how he saved a lady(and Hairo) from drowning.

On the way, they even stopped by a closing taiyaki stand so she could finally get her snack. Happily munching on the delicious octopus, Suzu watched the sky cast into tendrils of pink. And despite the dried salt on her skin and the chafing of sand on her legs, she really wouldn't have had it any other way.

XXX

"Saiki, we're friends, right?"

It's a dark night out, but there's a nice breeze. Nendou had split off to go his own way home a few minutes ago.

She breathes the question into the air, soft, testingly. She's scared, but the security of the sweetly-tempered night cushions her, makes her feel like she's-if only for the moment- taking a stroll through a different world. A bubble, another universe where she's not afraid of anything, whether it be nightmares or her own mind.

She wants to lose herself in that loving music of stars, but her heart is beating a little too fast.

"Yeah." He says.

The moon blinks one giant, dreamy eye.

XXX

Like that, the rest of the summer passed sweetly, full of new and happy memories. At least once a week, they would go somewhere, whether it be to various ramen shops, the beach, or to hang out and play video games.

Although at nights she would still feel the lingering foreboding from paranoia, the happy memories she had made were a cocoon against any lingering monsters in the dark. Her hallucinations were rendered irrelevant in the presence of them, and their voices would always drown out the breaks of static of occasional whispers and shuffling that she knew weren't there, outside, in reality.

She could tell what was real and what wasn't, because they would point it out if it was, and their conversations and the rush of incidents that always seemed to happen when they all hung out distracted her mind from conjuring up anything more complex.

That riveting taste of carefree youth was one she would loathe to forget.

* * *

 _ **This was originally part of a bigger chapter, but I decided to split it up for coherence.**_ _ **Warning: not beta-read! I looked over it once to edit, so it might have some mistakes!**_

 _ **It also went way more AU than I was expecting... but I hope its still enjoyable to read!**_

 _ **extra note: the mind reading part in the first chapter is because schizophrenic paranoia, not really any nod towards saiki. But thanks for the reviews!**_


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